Mother's Day

Mother's day is tomorrow and I am not sure what to expect. There are days when my mom gets on my nerves so much that I can't stand to talk to her. I don't want to abandon her, but she has abandoned me. Sure, she tries to have lunch with me every now and then, but it feels like visiting hours at a prison; not that I would know what that is like. If she doesn't want to live with us, fine, go away. Don't call me asking me to do this or that. If she doesn't want me to know where she is, then I don't want her to know my address. If she wants to live on her schedule and keep me out of her loop, I don't want her in mine. I love my mother, just not her ways. I fear that she may have gone off the deep end and because of that, I try to support her as much as possible. I fear that she is in an abusive relationship with someone else, but I cannot help her. I've given all the phone numbers I could to stop her from doing anything stupid, but I fear that they may not be enough. I fear for her health. Both mentally and physically. At Lancer, while carrying some boxes, my left wrist was cut. I look down at the long red scab and wonder what suicide would be like. I don't want to kill/hurt myself; looking at that red scratch crossing my vain scares me. Just for thinking's sake, I wonder how my mother would feel if I did off myself. Would she regret all those useless conversations we had about me trying to find her jobs that she keeps declining? Would she flash back to all those arguments we had on how a computer should run? Would she really know how much her secret life annoyed me? I love my mom but I don't know how to handle her. Part of me wants to put my full effort into helping her. A larger part of me wants to break all ties of her. I sure do hope she gets her act together soon.