One year old

I happened to be browsing my blog yesterday and came to discover that it is one year old. Boy what a year has it been. I has been a year full of life and a year full of death. Since May 14, 2005, there has been the birth of a kitten down in Arkansas. That kitten traveled from the south here to Nebraska as my sister's pet. That kitten has since adopted me and feverishly stays at my side whenever I am home. With the life of the kitten, there has been the death of a pet. My neighbor's German Shorthaired Pointer, Baask, died. He was intelligent and very well trained. You could throw a ball, hold a conversation with someone else, and only after you said "go" would he retrieve the ball back to you. I his younger days, he went on many hunts pointing out waterfowl for years. As he grew older, he could no longer handle the hunts, but was content just to lie in the driveway waiting for a passerby to give a few scratches behind the ears. His eyes dimmed, his hearing faded, but he still held the poise of a prized hunting dog in his final hour.

Along with the death of Baask came the death of a relationship. As Jenn and I grew apart, our conversations seemed less meaningful and our time together more routine then anything else. After the official split, the conversations became more awkward and the friendship we had is fading. I need to come to reality and let her be, but this past year has been full of death.

Around the death of the relationship came the birth of an internship. I interviewed with Union Pacific in December, by February I had my foot in the door of a company that could take me anywhere. I am excited and terrified all at the same time. I know that this company can do wonders for me if I keep my nose out of trouble. While there, I have watched contractors contracts expire and some extended. I have watched some contractors get hired and others fired. Even though I have only been there since February, there has been life and death in the Union Pacific realm.

This past year, I have watched dreams be born, die, and resurrected again. In September of last year, four friends were in dire need of a fifth room-mate to make rent on a house a reasonable level. I stepped up to the plate, offering to be the fifth. We had everything all planned out, the house closed on, only to find out that the down payment would be too high for any of us to pay. We disbanded, one went to Lincoln, one moved into the dorms, one other found an apartment, and Joe and I remained living at home. The death of the Partay Houzze resurrected the dream of apartment life. Joe and I go to sign the lease to our apartment on Monday.

Then there was the death of my grandpa. He was the last grandparent I had. Both of my parents are now orphans. There is no life to counteract his passing. You cannot simply sprout another grandparent as easily as a dream. I miss you grandpa.

Finally, the most traumatic death that has happened in the past year has been the death of my laptop. My Toshiba just couldn't keep it's power functions in line so I had to turn it in. I have since received a new laptop. This one has caused me some problems, but those have been dealt with. I am sure there are many, many more life and death circumstances I could rant about, but I will stop here. Let's see what the next year will have to bring. Next year around this time, the lease on my apartment will be running up fast, graduation will one year away (hopefully), and we will see where my internship has taken me.

Happy Birthday Usless Rants

Mother's Day

Mother's day is tomorrow and I am not sure what to expect. There are days when my mom gets on my nerves so much that I can't stand to talk to her. I don't want to abandon her, but she has abandoned me. Sure, she tries to have lunch with me every now and then, but it feels like visiting hours at a prison; not that I would know what that is like. If she doesn't want to live with us, fine, go away. Don't call me asking me to do this or that. If she doesn't want me to know where she is, then I don't want her to know my address. If she wants to live on her schedule and keep me out of her loop, I don't want her in mine. I love my mother, just not her ways. I fear that she may have gone off the deep end and because of that, I try to support her as much as possible. I fear that she is in an abusive relationship with someone else, but I cannot help her. I've given all the phone numbers I could to stop her from doing anything stupid, but I fear that they may not be enough. I fear for her health. Both mentally and physically. At Lancer, while carrying some boxes, my left wrist was cut. I look down at the long red scab and wonder what suicide would be like. I don't want to kill/hurt myself; looking at that red scratch crossing my vain scares me. Just for thinking's sake, I wonder how my mother would feel if I did off myself. Would she regret all those useless conversations we had about me trying to find her jobs that she keeps declining? Would she flash back to all those arguments we had on how a computer should run? Would she really know how much her secret life annoyed me? I love my mom but I don't know how to handle her. Part of me wants to put my full effort into helping her. A larger part of me wants to break all ties of her. I sure do hope she gets her act together soon.